I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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