I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i think my cat just said my name.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
