i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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