Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
