I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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