Plan B is the new Plan A
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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