did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
