so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This is classic penis vs brain.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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