Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
