My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
