I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
