Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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