I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..