OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
