I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
