I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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