That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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