you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
