I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
