I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I am one with the molecules
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
