fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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