I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
