i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
