it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
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