So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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