Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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