My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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