Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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