so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
