What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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