if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
