On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
