Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
