I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
high people should be assigned attendants
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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