my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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