Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
