I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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