Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
