I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
