Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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