The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
