it hurts more in the daytime
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The power of my boobs compel you
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
