The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
