google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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