the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
