I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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