the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
