i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
