After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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