Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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