Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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