The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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