wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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