I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
