Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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